It can be super stressful to start a conversation with a stranger Even for us native speakers. If, however, you are a non-native speaking English learner, it must be even more frightening to try and start a conversation in English. This might be because you aren’t confident enough in your English, or you simply don’t know what to say. The best way to start a conversation in English with a stranger is to use some common phrases or icebreakers. This lesson will teach you how to choose a conversation starter depending on the situation, keep the conversation going with inviting follow up questions, then bring it to a smooth ending – basically your complete guide to English conversation.
This post is based on my 2-part video series which you can watch below, or scroll down to read the lesson transcript.
Watch Part 1: Conversation Starters
Watch Part 2: Conversation Frames
4 Steps for you to Start a Conversation in English
There are four basic stages of a conversation in English.
- First you need to break the ice to get the person to respond to you.
- Next, you want to keep the conversation going with polite but engaging follow-up questions.
- Then, there is the back and forth conversation stage. This is where you show interest in what your partner is saying and prompt them to elaborate (or explain more) on what they were saying.
- As it becomes clear that the conversation has run its course (expression: meaning it should more or less finish), you need to have a smooth exit strategy.
If you follow these four steps, you’ll come off as a pro at conversation. Does that sound like something you want to learn how to do in English? If so, read on for more!
Use Icebreakers to Start a Conversation in English
One of the best ways to start a conversation in English with a stranger is to use a good icebreaker. In English, relationships run hot when you’re really close to someone, and cold when you’re strangers or don’t get along well.
Icebreakers help to start the conversation and get the other person to warm up to you (start to like you).
The very best icebreakers arise from an observation that you make about your conversation partner. An observation is the idea that you notice something of interest then comment on it. You can do that with the following starter phrase: I couldn’t help + [gerund of: notice or overhear].
The two best icebreakers to start a conversation in English
I can’t help and its past form couldn’t help mean that a person can’t “not” do something (please excuse the double negative).
So, I couldn’t help noticing means I couldn’t “not” notice something about you or what you were doing.
For example, if we were in a train car sitting across from each other, I might say:
I couldn’t help noticing the book you were reading. Is that the new Dan Brown mystery thriller?
Notice in the example that it reads as “the book you were reading,” and not “the book you are reading (in the present continuous).” In English, you can also use past tenses with present meaning as a form of social English and it is a more friendly way to speak to a person than using the present tenses.
Keep the conversation going with inviting questions
After you have started a conversation with the stranger, you might ask the person: Where are you from?
Followed by: Why did you come to my country?
Avoid being too Direct with your Follow-Up Questions
However, you want to avoid starting the question with “Why.” The question word, Why, comes off as very direct and might put your conversation partner on the defensive.
Why acts as a challenge to your partner, so if they don’t know you well, they may not want to answer your question. Even worse, they might look for a way out of the conversation.
Examples of Inviting Questions
You can think of an inviting question as asking about the person’s reasoning or thought process instead of asking them “why.” I know it sounds like the two are the same, but trust me on this that they are not.
The better way to ask follow-up questions that mean why are to use one of the following three question types:
- What brings you to my country?
- What made you want to leave your home country?
- How did you end up coming to my country?
Ask about a Person's Push and Pull Factors
Push factors are reasons why you want to leave as in these reasons are pushing you out. On the contrary, Pull factors are the reasons you might find another place attractive as in those reasons are pulling you there.
The Pull Factor Question: What Brings you...?
The What-brings-you question asks about the pull factor because of the the word bring. Bring is a verb of perspective and the user conveys the person as coming towards. There is a subtle psychology in using this word to form your question which is much more inviting than why.
The Push Factor Question: What Made you...?
The What-made-you question asks about the push factor because of the the word made. Made, in English, can take the meaning of force as in somebody is forcing me to do something.
For example: My teacher made (forced) me stay after school for detention.
In the above example, the student doesn’t want to stay after school, but the teacher made him do it.
The Universal Question: How did you end up...?
Questions with How (i.e., How did you end up doing something?) ask more about the process or story. The person you ask might choose to tell their push OR pull factors.
Here are some example questions that you might ask:
- How did you end up moving from Los Angeles?
- How did you become a teacher? (Or) How did you end up becoming a teacher?
If you look at the second example question, you will notice there are two ways to ask it: How did you do something or How did you end up doing something?
The only real difference between the two is that the second one is longer and therefore more indirect. This brings us to the next point of why it’s important to use indirect speech in English conversation.
Indirect Speech is Important in English Conversation
Being direct means that you tell your counterpart what you want to say in the shortest, most efficient way possible. However, this approach isn’t a friendly way of addressing your conversation partner. If you are speaking with someone you don’t know well (a stranger or acquaintance), you need to be more indirect.
Being indirect means that you take a longer approach to saying what you want. If you are communicating with a stranger, they will recognize your attempt at being indirect as a sign of friendliness.
In this case, they will be much more likely to continue engaging with you in conversation.
Direct Verb Tenses vs Indirect Verb Tenses
As a general rule, the Imperative and Simple (Present, Past, Future) verb tenses are direct and should be avoided in social situations.
If you want to be more indirect, there are many techniques to do so such as stretching the verb into a phrase or changing the verb tense.
- What do you suggest? -> What suggestion can you make?
In this example, the verb suggest is stretched into a phrase (i.e., make a suggestion).
- What do you suggest? -> What are you suggesting? What did you want to suggest?
In this follow-up example, the verb tense can be changed to the present continuous, or we can use a past tense with present meaning (more on this in a different upcoming post).
How to Ask Indirect Questions in English
An indirect question in English consists of three elements: a starter phrase, a linking word, and the main clause that asks the question.
For example: [Can I ask][if][you will be staying here until next week?]
In the above example, Can I ask is the starter phrase (the indirect part of the question), while if is the link word that connects the starter phrase to the main clause (you will be staying here until next week).
On the contrary, the more direct question would be: are you staying here until next week?
Since you are asking about plans, the present continuous tense is used. Yet we converted the tense to future continuous which is more indirect, and we converted the question into indirect speech.
This is a much more inviting way to ask follow-up questions in English conversation.
If you feel you need more practice on this, you can find my post on Say, Tell, and Reported Speech to learn how to form Indirect Questions.
Use Speculation to Show Interest and Keep your Partner Speaking
Moving into phase three of the conversation, the very next area to improve your speaking skills is learning how to use speculation in a conversational way.
Speculation basically means to:
- Think out loud
- Wonder about something
- (or) guess about things that we think we know or are curious about
What makes speculation so conversational is the fact that it sends a strong signal to our conversation partner to confirm our guess by explaining or correcting us.
Therefore, when you speculate about your speaking partner’s activities, motives, or feelings, it is likely that they will respond.
Three Ways to Speculate in English
With a bit of understanding of English grammar and the proper intonation, you can use the following three ways to speculate with a conversation partner.
- The Modal Verb – Must
- Tail Questions (or Question Tags)
- Phrases for speculating
Use Modal Verbs like Must or Could for Speculating
Simply add the modal verb Must to a comment with a bit of intonation and you have speculation.
- You must be tired after such a long flight.
- You must miss the great weather back in Los Angeles.
I is important to get the right intonation after the modal verb must. Be sure that you emphasize the verb after must if is an action verb (miss) or the adjective that comes after be (tired).
Use Tail Questions For Speculating
A Tail Question is a grammatical use of auxiliary verbs to form a question out of a statement. You do this by, first, making the statement, then add the tail by reversing the auxiliary verb.
- You miss the great weather back in Los Angeles, don’t you?
The statement is: you miss the great weather back in Los Angeles.
The tail is: don’t you?
In the statement, the verb is in the Present Simple verb tense, so the auxiliary verb is do. You need to reverse that auxiliary (do -> don’t) in order to form the tail.
It’s also important to use the right intonation to make it sound like you’re asking a question.
Use the Expression: I Take It... for Speculating
The third way to speculate uses specific an expressions like I take it… or verbs of speculation which basically mean the same thing.
- I take it you miss the great weather back in Los Angeles.
While expressions are great tools for English conversation, there are verbs that can do the same job (although in a slightly more direct way). Such verbs might include:
- Assume
- Suppose
- Guess
- Figure
- Gather
To sum up, you now have three speculating structures that you can use to prompt your conversation partner to explain or keep talking.
Now, let’s transition to the final Stage of conversation – the Exit Strategy.
End the Conversation Politely with a 3-step Frame
Congratulations as you have started the conversation, asked follow-up questions, kept the conversation, but now you want to end the conversation on a good note. To do this, you can follow these three simple steps to bring the conversation to a polite end.
- Either Thank or Compliment your conversation partner
- Excuse yourself (you can additionally make an excuse here saying why you have to leave)
- Either wish them well (or promise future contact if you know the person well)
Here’s an example for you to follow:
- Hey thanks for reading my blog post, but I really have to bring it to an end now. I wish you all the best in your English learning!
How about a different example:
- Hey listen, it’s been great talking with you, but I have to get going now. I’ve got a bus to catch. But hey, let’s keep in touch. What’s your messenger?
Depending on the situation and how well you know your conversation partner, you can use this frame to avoid the awkwardness of ending a conversation.
Over to You
Hey thanks for taking time out to read my post. You’ve been great! Now, I’d like to hear from you. Have you ever started a conversation with a stranger in English? If so, what did you say to start the conversation, and how did it go?
Click on the hyperlinked contact form and tell me your English conversation story and perhaps I’ll feature it on a follow up post – Student Learner Stories.
Other Social English Posts You Might be Interested In
At Native 1, I try and teach you natural English so that you sound like a native speaker when you’re communicating in English. Here are some other social English posts you might try to learn more English!
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